24 Weeks

Okay - time for another epic update...

I set off for Katoomba in the Blue Mountains where I had won a place at Varuna The Writer's House. The car was loaded with books, computer, printer, manuscripts, anxiety and me. I left a beautiful sunny autumn day to arrive in overcast, sleety weather and I was instantly homesick. I don't often suffer from that, but having to leave Matthew and my dog Shirl, combined with knowing my folks were in Bali (with my sisters) plus leaving Mum's little dog Peggy in Matthew's care was all a bit much. Plus, I felt like a bit of a fraud going to this highly sought after writing retreat that 370 others had applied for.

I cried and cried and wandered the streets in the rain. My hormones must have been going berserk, because that sort of behaviour is really uncharacteristic of me. My muscles were aching after the long drive (7 hours) so I decided to book in for a massage (I haven't had one since I was pregnant). And it turned out to be just what I needed. The masseuse was a true healer and something about her touch restored my equilibrium. I was able to enjoy my week and have many productive writing days.

The director at Varuna, Peter, praised my work and commended the progress I had made since my last visit there in 2005. The other writers were young and all in worlds far from pregnancy and children. It was great to be talking about "other things", especially my favourite things like books, authors, movies, stories, characters and the experience of being a writer.

I drove home the following Sunday singing along to my Josh Pyke CD at the top of my lungs, giving the occasional "woo hoo" out the window and thinking about ways I can carry this fabulous feeling back to my "real life".

Then it happened....

Traffic slowed, I was caught in a traffic jam, rain began to fall, my mobile phone rang... I answered (naughty, I know, but we were virtually stationary) to hear my poor husband Matthew on the other end saying; "I just got back from Surf Patrol and Peggy's missing. I can't find her anywhere." (Peggy is Mum and Dad's beloved dog - a tiny little thing aged 14) Matty swore a lot and then I felt the lovely Blue Mountain feeling lift away and the other crap feeling sink back in. How does that work?

Anyway, he called me every thirty minutes as traffic crawled along, eventually finding her in the reserve behind our street. Finally, I made it to Canberra where I had to stay for the night (as I had a course for school there the following day). I felt as though I'd run a marathon.

Just as I was relaxing in the motel, Matt rings again to tell me that Mum just called. She was home from Bali with some bad news. She'd had a fall while over there and broken her arm. She went for four days without medical treatment because she "didn't think the Bali doctors would be quality". She went to the local hospital in Cooma when she got home and - this is so sad - her fingers were so swollen that they had to cut off her wedding ring, which she hadn't taken off in 50 years. She has a compound fracture in her left wrist and will be in a cast for at least another 6 weeks. It worries me, as she is 71 and doesn't yet realise that she is actually growing old.

So - I spent the night feeling miserable, worrying about Mum. Even a good dose of pizza and TV (hadn't seen any TV for the week at Varuna) didn't help.

The next day it was off to a conference entitled Catholic Schools At A Crossroad featuring nuns and bishops as guest speakers. Yes - it was every bit as boring as it sounded. It finished late and there was still a 3 hour drive ahead of me. I arrived home at 7pm, wishing that the next day wasn't the first day of Term 2.

The next morning I woke up, sneezed and wet myself. It was at this moment that I abandoned all sense of courage. I sat on the bottom step and cried.

I did make it to work. I did survive the week. I do feel a lot better. So it all has a happy ending really!

The baby is moving a lot and my boobs and bum are also moving of their own accord - enlarging at a rate somewhat proportionate to my stomach. I no longer feel a constant sense of worry and panic about the baby. Every time we go shopping, Matthew insists we buy some nappies. I am considering busting a packet open, ready for the next time I sneeze.

Other updates: We are buying a "new" (2nd hand 2005 model) Honda CRV next weekend
Matthew sold his beat up old ute
Matthew's sister had her 2nd child last week, a baby boy named James
I went home and saw Mum on the weekend and she is going to be ok
School has been like a gentle haven from all the other stuff going on

This has been the first thing I've written since my week at Varuna. And I call myself a writer. Huh.

Big love to Brad and Bonnie who are probably the only two souls who will ever read this. Thank you for your thoughts.