We have a tadpole!

This morning I went to the doctors to review the results of my two blood tests. With a full bladder and my husband's hopes pressing upon me, I looked at the ultrasound screen to see a little mark that the doctor said was my pregnancy. It was just like a little paisley print tadpole, tucked in under my bladder. Then he switched the view and it looked like outer space, but it was the heart beat.

Now for the true confessions - I wasn't relieved. If anything I was more paranoid than ever. Holy mother of mothers - I'm pregnant. Now my fingers are really crossed. It's still very early days and the doctor keeps saying things that are probably routine, but that scare the crap out of me. For example: "Your pregnancy hormone hasn't risen much," "At this stage we can assume it's a viable feotus" and "Do you have any pains in your tummy?" I suppose all in all, this just confirms that I am a control freak and things I can't control cause me anxiety.

I'm trying not to be too sentimental or superstitious about this whole process. I have a friend who has tried for years to have a baby without success - she always has some sweet saying that gets her through the tough times; God's time is perfect, It wasn't meant to be, 2007 miracle from heaven. It drives me nuts.

But I do have one little thing. One little glimmer. At Christmas Mass, when I first knew I was pregnant, I just sent out a prayer, probably more to my brother (who died 17 years ago) than to God. I just said; I'm not sure I can cope with all this. And I got one word in reply. Faith.

Ah, who am I kidding - I'm as bad as my friend!

PS Today I had my first real morning sickness. I was laying on the lounge feeling pretty nauseous and one of those disgusting quit smoking ads came on, where they show the cancerous growth in some one's oesophagus. Next thing I knew I was in the bathroom, spewing. I couldn't help but feel a bit excited (but I don't condone smoking!)!