I've survived my first week (abbreviated though it was) back at school. My new class of Kinder kids are funny and gorgeous!
Today and yesterday I've felt good, but I'm getting a little "toilet anxiety". Not sure if 'things' are looking the right colour.
Tomorrow will be week 11. So close and yet so far.
Thursday, January 31, 2008
Wednesday, January 30, 2008
Anxious
Woke up feeling anxious and worried. No real reason. Husband's better, dog's OK. I'm back to work today - I teach kindergarten and started off a brand new class. Maybe that was it? I couldn't help myself - off to the toilet all the time, checking, checking. My little mantra hardly calmed me.
Tomorrow will be better.
Tomorrow will be better.
Friday, January 25, 2008
10 Weeks - The dog, the husband and me.
According to my Doctor's calculations, I am 10 weeks pregnant today. Only two more weeks until the supposed "safer zone". I know that whilst pregnancy (and rearing a child for that matter) is a minefield of potential complications, I will feel a lot better once I've made it to 12 weeks. After 12 weeks, we're going to tell our family and friends. That's the worst part, keeping it to yourself when you occasionally just feel like getting really excited and talking about nursery furniture or knitting a blanket or names you like!
My pregnancy is the least of the worries today. Our first child, Shirley the Golden Retriever, had a second knee surgery yesterday. She's all shaved again on her right hind leg and looks like she's wearing one ugh boot! When she's not sleeping, she's lick, lick, licking her stitches which kind of sounds like slow sand paper scraping and is pretty unpleasant, but we love her and so we tolerate it. I hate seeing her all groggy and un-co-ordinated. Her eyes look really mournful, but the tail still works and thumps along whenever I'm near. I was a lot better taking her in for surgery this time and I didn't cry or anything. I hope that now she has the meniscus (or however it's spelt) removed that she will be able to feel more comfortable and be more mobile. I hope we've put years ON her life, since she's only seven.
My husband's also sick. He's got a fever and cold sweats, but still soldiered on to work today as he's doing a "mates-rates" job for a friend (a good friend too since it's the Australia Day long weekend here). He got part way through having a shave and had to come back to bed for a lay down. He works as a cabinet making, building kitchens etc and I worry about him using machinery and power tools when he's not feeling 100% but he can't be told, so I just gave him a kiss and watched him shiver his way into the glorious 25 degree Celsius morning!
Between the dog licking and smelling of the hospital, husband shivering and sweating and trembling and me, gagging with morning sickness over the kitchen sink, we would have made a funny little picture this morning!
Ohhh - I feel a song coming on... every little thing, is gonna be alright. (It's become my mantra and I even sing it out loud!!)
My pregnancy is the least of the worries today. Our first child, Shirley the Golden Retriever, had a second knee surgery yesterday. She's all shaved again on her right hind leg and looks like she's wearing one ugh boot! When she's not sleeping, she's lick, lick, licking her stitches which kind of sounds like slow sand paper scraping and is pretty unpleasant, but we love her and so we tolerate it. I hate seeing her all groggy and un-co-ordinated. Her eyes look really mournful, but the tail still works and thumps along whenever I'm near. I was a lot better taking her in for surgery this time and I didn't cry or anything. I hope that now she has the meniscus (or however it's spelt) removed that she will be able to feel more comfortable and be more mobile. I hope we've put years ON her life, since she's only seven.
My husband's also sick. He's got a fever and cold sweats, but still soldiered on to work today as he's doing a "mates-rates" job for a friend (a good friend too since it's the Australia Day long weekend here). He got part way through having a shave and had to come back to bed for a lay down. He works as a cabinet making, building kitchens etc and I worry about him using machinery and power tools when he's not feeling 100% but he can't be told, so I just gave him a kiss and watched him shiver his way into the glorious 25 degree Celsius morning!
Between the dog licking and smelling of the hospital, husband shivering and sweating and trembling and me, gagging with morning sickness over the kitchen sink, we would have made a funny little picture this morning!
Ohhh - I feel a song coming on... every little thing, is gonna be alright. (It's become my mantra and I even sing it out loud!!)
Tuesday, January 22, 2008
9 Weeks
It was back to the Doctors on Monday. I tried to have a full bladder but unfortunately the imaging wasn't good and I was instructed to pee and get ready for a vaginal scan. Uhhh.
The doctor came at me with a "condomed", lubricated rod that he insisted wouldn't even hurt. Yeah right. There's a big difference between intimate sexual relations and long rods in the doctor's surgery. Anyhoo....
After a few minutes of gritted teeth, sharp intakes of breath and winces of pain, a little tadpole appeared on the screen. Now I don't know if I was imagining it, but it seemed to be facing me straight on with it's arms out as if to say; "Here I am!! Wanna hug?" It's little heart was racing and the doctor had trouble measuring because it kept moving around! Suddenly I forgot the rod and the un-waxed bikini line and the uncomfortableness and the worry.
The little thing measured in at 9 weeks and 2 days, which sounds about right. We even got a dark little blurry imaged photo to take home with us. The doctor reminded me that we were still in the danger zone and that my body was still trying to sort out any chromosomal abnormalities. He also said that the baby had implanted quite low down and near to my cervix which would explain the spotting (which I haven't had in a week now. Thank goodness.).
So I've had the lovely Dawn's words echoing in my head, every little thing is gonna be alright... I'm sure they're the lyrics of a song. Well they are in my mind.
So here's to making it to twelve weeks...
Fingers crossed.
The doctor came at me with a "condomed", lubricated rod that he insisted wouldn't even hurt. Yeah right. There's a big difference between intimate sexual relations and long rods in the doctor's surgery. Anyhoo....
After a few minutes of gritted teeth, sharp intakes of breath and winces of pain, a little tadpole appeared on the screen. Now I don't know if I was imagining it, but it seemed to be facing me straight on with it's arms out as if to say; "Here I am!! Wanna hug?" It's little heart was racing and the doctor had trouble measuring because it kept moving around! Suddenly I forgot the rod and the un-waxed bikini line and the uncomfortableness and the worry.
The little thing measured in at 9 weeks and 2 days, which sounds about right. We even got a dark little blurry imaged photo to take home with us. The doctor reminded me that we were still in the danger zone and that my body was still trying to sort out any chromosomal abnormalities. He also said that the baby had implanted quite low down and near to my cervix which would explain the spotting (which I haven't had in a week now. Thank goodness.).
So I've had the lovely Dawn's words echoing in my head, every little thing is gonna be alright... I'm sure they're the lyrics of a song. Well they are in my mind.
So here's to making it to twelve weeks...
Fingers crossed.
Tuesday, January 15, 2008
What does pregnant feel like?
Spot, spot, spot.
Out damn spot!!
After 14 days of what doctors describe as spotting and what I would describe as terror at the toilet, I had my first spot free day. I kind of thought it would go on forever - instead of a baby I had fallen pregnant to a perpetual period. Either that or eventually the spotting would turn into a period and that would be the miscarriage.
On Saturday I worked myself up into a panic. I didn't feel pregnant. My symptoms had disappeared, the spotting continued, I wasn't really sick, my breasts weren't really sore. Then I had Surf Patrol from 1 - 4pm. There's something about standing on a beach as thunderclouds brew overhead that reminds you that you are part of a greater cosmos. I love that about the beach especially - the waves keep rolling in; regardless of my mood or the state of the world. I find that reassuring. So, when Sunday dawned I was calmer and more relaxed and have continued to be so ever since.
It's just hard to know what pregnant is meant to feel like. I mean I'm only about two months along (if that). Sometimes my boobs are sore. Sometimes I feel sick. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes I'm not hungry. But... that could be any time of the month really. I have to keep reminding myself of that little paisley swirl I saw, that outer-space heart beat.
There's just a few more things I want to ramble on about. The first is about my friend who's had 9 miscarriages. I think I would be a much more relaxed pregnant person if I didn't know my friend. I mean - 9. That's incomprehensible to me. I'm scared that'll be me too. I know, I know, it's not like I can "catch" her problem, but just seeing her heartache - I don't think I could cope the way she has. I have new found respect for her. The hard thing is I didn't tell her about my first miscarriage and I haven't told her about this pregnancy. Part of me doesn't want to upset her but another part of me, a nasty part of me, doesn't want her sympathy. I don't want her to think I'm like her. Uh - there I've said it. Already I hate myself. I won't delete it though. I'll let it stand, put it out there.
Here's another random thought. I think I've already worried enough about this foetus to last it for it's whole life time. Can you imagine what it must be like to be a mother for real and worry about their scabby knees and their homework and their first girlfriend or boyfriend and their future and everything? That's kind of what motivated me to chill out. I was watching the waves roll in and I thought - you're one freaked out mother, I never thought you'd be like that. So then, I just changed it. I just thought a new thought and decided there and then to be the relaxed, chilled out casual mum I want to be. Anyway - I also have new found respect for my own mother who raised five kids.
And one last thought - foetus testing. On Monday, if every thing's right on track, the Doctor's going to ask me if I want to have these tests done where they take a little sample from the placenta and stuff and test it for abnormalities. I don't know how I feel about that. Isn't that what a miscarriage does - natural selection? I don't like the idea of baby screening. I mean, I'm healthy, husband's healthy.... I've asked my husband to read up about it so we can make an informed decisions. He's a bit like, oh yeah... I don't know if he will or not. He once told me that his greatest fear would be to have a child with a disorder like being deformed or with mental deficiencies. I respect that - he's entitled to that fear. But, I love this little thing already.
Out damn spot!!
After 14 days of what doctors describe as spotting and what I would describe as terror at the toilet, I had my first spot free day. I kind of thought it would go on forever - instead of a baby I had fallen pregnant to a perpetual period. Either that or eventually the spotting would turn into a period and that would be the miscarriage.
On Saturday I worked myself up into a panic. I didn't feel pregnant. My symptoms had disappeared, the spotting continued, I wasn't really sick, my breasts weren't really sore. Then I had Surf Patrol from 1 - 4pm. There's something about standing on a beach as thunderclouds brew overhead that reminds you that you are part of a greater cosmos. I love that about the beach especially - the waves keep rolling in; regardless of my mood or the state of the world. I find that reassuring. So, when Sunday dawned I was calmer and more relaxed and have continued to be so ever since.
It's just hard to know what pregnant is meant to feel like. I mean I'm only about two months along (if that). Sometimes my boobs are sore. Sometimes I feel sick. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes I'm not hungry. But... that could be any time of the month really. I have to keep reminding myself of that little paisley swirl I saw, that outer-space heart beat.
There's just a few more things I want to ramble on about. The first is about my friend who's had 9 miscarriages. I think I would be a much more relaxed pregnant person if I didn't know my friend. I mean - 9. That's incomprehensible to me. I'm scared that'll be me too. I know, I know, it's not like I can "catch" her problem, but just seeing her heartache - I don't think I could cope the way she has. I have new found respect for her. The hard thing is I didn't tell her about my first miscarriage and I haven't told her about this pregnancy. Part of me doesn't want to upset her but another part of me, a nasty part of me, doesn't want her sympathy. I don't want her to think I'm like her. Uh - there I've said it. Already I hate myself. I won't delete it though. I'll let it stand, put it out there.
Here's another random thought. I think I've already worried enough about this foetus to last it for it's whole life time. Can you imagine what it must be like to be a mother for real and worry about their scabby knees and their homework and their first girlfriend or boyfriend and their future and everything? That's kind of what motivated me to chill out. I was watching the waves roll in and I thought - you're one freaked out mother, I never thought you'd be like that. So then, I just changed it. I just thought a new thought and decided there and then to be the relaxed, chilled out casual mum I want to be. Anyway - I also have new found respect for my own mother who raised five kids.
And one last thought - foetus testing. On Monday, if every thing's right on track, the Doctor's going to ask me if I want to have these tests done where they take a little sample from the placenta and stuff and test it for abnormalities. I don't know how I feel about that. Isn't that what a miscarriage does - natural selection? I don't like the idea of baby screening. I mean, I'm healthy, husband's healthy.... I've asked my husband to read up about it so we can make an informed decisions. He's a bit like, oh yeah... I don't know if he will or not. He once told me that his greatest fear would be to have a child with a disorder like being deformed or with mental deficiencies. I respect that - he's entitled to that fear. But, I love this little thing already.
Wednesday, January 9, 2008
We have a tadpole!
This morning I went to the doctors to review the results of my two blood tests. With a full bladder and my husband's hopes pressing upon me, I looked at the ultrasound screen to see a little mark that the doctor said was my pregnancy. It was just like a little paisley print tadpole, tucked in under my bladder. Then he switched the view and it looked like outer space, but it was the heart beat.
Now for the true confessions - I wasn't relieved. If anything I was more paranoid than ever. Holy mother of mothers - I'm pregnant. Now my fingers are really crossed. It's still very early days and the doctor keeps saying things that are probably routine, but that scare the crap out of me. For example: "Your pregnancy hormone hasn't risen much," "At this stage we can assume it's a viable feotus" and "Do you have any pains in your tummy?" I suppose all in all, this just confirms that I am a control freak and things I can't control cause me anxiety.
I'm trying not to be too sentimental or superstitious about this whole process. I have a friend who has tried for years to have a baby without success - she always has some sweet saying that gets her through the tough times; God's time is perfect, It wasn't meant to be, 2007 miracle from heaven. It drives me nuts.
But I do have one little thing. One little glimmer. At Christmas Mass, when I first knew I was pregnant, I just sent out a prayer, probably more to my brother (who died 17 years ago) than to God. I just said; I'm not sure I can cope with all this. And I got one word in reply. Faith.
Ah, who am I kidding - I'm as bad as my friend!
PS Today I had my first real morning sickness. I was laying on the lounge feeling pretty nauseous and one of those disgusting quit smoking ads came on, where they show the cancerous growth in some one's oesophagus. Next thing I knew I was in the bathroom, spewing. I couldn't help but feel a bit excited (but I don't condone smoking!)!
Now for the true confessions - I wasn't relieved. If anything I was more paranoid than ever. Holy mother of mothers - I'm pregnant. Now my fingers are really crossed. It's still very early days and the doctor keeps saying things that are probably routine, but that scare the crap out of me. For example: "Your pregnancy hormone hasn't risen much," "At this stage we can assume it's a viable feotus" and "Do you have any pains in your tummy?" I suppose all in all, this just confirms that I am a control freak and things I can't control cause me anxiety.
I'm trying not to be too sentimental or superstitious about this whole process. I have a friend who has tried for years to have a baby without success - she always has some sweet saying that gets her through the tough times; God's time is perfect, It wasn't meant to be, 2007 miracle from heaven. It drives me nuts.
But I do have one little thing. One little glimmer. At Christmas Mass, when I first knew I was pregnant, I just sent out a prayer, probably more to my brother (who died 17 years ago) than to God. I just said; I'm not sure I can cope with all this. And I got one word in reply. Faith.
Ah, who am I kidding - I'm as bad as my friend!
PS Today I had my first real morning sickness. I was laying on the lounge feeling pretty nauseous and one of those disgusting quit smoking ads came on, where they show the cancerous growth in some one's oesophagus. Next thing I knew I was in the bathroom, spewing. I couldn't help but feel a bit excited (but I don't condone smoking!)!
Tuesday, January 8, 2008
Internet Comfort
Wow!! Just when I'm letting the doom and gloom of endless possibility settle over me, my first ever comment arrives. Thank you Uncle Brad!
A normal day today. Felt pretty ordinary & nauseous - morning sickness or anxiety? Took strange comfort in the fact that my boobs felt sore!! Blood test tomorrow. Doc on Thursday.
Uncle Brad - you've seriously made my day. Thanks for the perspective.
A normal day today. Felt pretty ordinary & nauseous - morning sickness or anxiety? Took strange comfort in the fact that my boobs felt sore!! Blood test tomorrow. Doc on Thursday.
Uncle Brad - you've seriously made my day. Thanks for the perspective.
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