What does pregnant feel like?

Spot, spot, spot.

Out damn spot!!

After 14 days of what doctors describe as spotting and what I would describe as terror at the toilet, I had my first spot free day. I kind of thought it would go on forever - instead of a baby I had fallen pregnant to a perpetual period. Either that or eventually the spotting would turn into a period and that would be the miscarriage.

On Saturday I worked myself up into a panic. I didn't feel pregnant. My symptoms had disappeared, the spotting continued, I wasn't really sick, my breasts weren't really sore. Then I had Surf Patrol from 1 - 4pm. There's something about standing on a beach as thunderclouds brew overhead that reminds you that you are part of a greater cosmos. I love that about the beach especially - the waves keep rolling in; regardless of my mood or the state of the world. I find that reassuring. So, when Sunday dawned I was calmer and more relaxed and have continued to be so ever since.

It's just hard to know what pregnant is meant to feel like. I mean I'm only about two months along (if that). Sometimes my boobs are sore. Sometimes I feel sick. Sometimes I feel tired. Sometimes I'm not hungry. But... that could be any time of the month really. I have to keep reminding myself of that little paisley swirl I saw, that outer-space heart beat.

There's just a few more things I want to ramble on about. The first is about my friend who's had 9 miscarriages. I think I would be a much more relaxed pregnant person if I didn't know my friend. I mean - 9. That's incomprehensible to me. I'm scared that'll be me too. I know, I know, it's not like I can "catch" her problem, but just seeing her heartache - I don't think I could cope the way she has. I have new found respect for her. The hard thing is I didn't tell her about my first miscarriage and I haven't told her about this pregnancy. Part of me doesn't want to upset her but another part of me, a nasty part of me, doesn't want her sympathy. I don't want her to think I'm like her. Uh - there I've said it. Already I hate myself. I won't delete it though. I'll let it stand, put it out there.

Here's another random thought. I think I've already worried enough about this foetus to last it for it's whole life time. Can you imagine what it must be like to be a mother for real and worry about their scabby knees and their homework and their first girlfriend or boyfriend and their future and everything? That's kind of what motivated me to chill out. I was watching the waves roll in and I thought - you're one freaked out mother, I never thought you'd be like that. So then, I just changed it. I just thought a new thought and decided there and then to be the relaxed, chilled out casual mum I want to be. Anyway - I also have new found respect for my own mother who raised five kids.

And one last thought - foetus testing. On Monday, if every thing's right on track, the Doctor's going to ask me if I want to have these tests done where they take a little sample from the placenta and stuff and test it for abnormalities. I don't know how I feel about that. Isn't that what a miscarriage does - natural selection? I don't like the idea of baby screening. I mean, I'm healthy, husband's healthy.... I've asked my husband to read up about it so we can make an informed decisions. He's a bit like, oh yeah... I don't know if he will or not. He once told me that his greatest fear would be to have a child with a disorder like being deformed or with mental deficiencies. I respect that - he's entitled to that fear. But, I love this little thing already.